I never thought I would ever need to decide that my mom should no longer be driving. Maybe I put up a mental block or couldn’t imagine how I would feel if the roles were reversed. For the past year, my mother had several “fender benders,” some of which were her fault. Her insurance would take care of the small repairs, and she would always dismiss these events as “being distracted” or “being in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Because her reasons seemed plausible, I never thought it had anything to do with her cognitive ability.
That all changed a couple of weeks ago as I was driving her to a doctor’s appointment. She suddenly turned to me and stated that she didn’t think that she should be driving anymore. Her statement surprised me since one of the reasons we were going to the doctor was to register her for a senior driving assessment. So when she told her physician that she wasn’t going to drive anymore, I was relieved that I did not need to “take the car keys away from mom.”
When a parent is no longer able to drive themselves, their transportation needs do not magically disappear. Fortunately, my mom lives at a facility where she can sign up for transportation to any event. She also has me and a group of friends who can get her where she needs to be. Sure, it will take a little more planning, but I was hopeful that she would accept the change.
It seemed too that every person she told about “giving up driving” had a personal story that involved an elderly driver who hurt others or themselves. One of the most tragic stories involved a resident of my mom’s facility who drove their car into an outdoor crowd. Two of the residents and one employee of the facility were killed when the driver confused the brake pedal for the accelerator. I think about that incident whenever I felt bad about taking my mom’s independence away from her. What would be the lesser evil for her – dealing with losing her independence or knowing that she hurt or killed someone?
My mother was a brave parent who taught me to drive. Driving is a lesson on how to be independent. But this time, instead of a lesson of independence, I am the teacher who encourages my mom that it is okay to be dependent.
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